


Genetically Speaking

by Hidden_Joy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Lukas is so angsty, M/M, Pain, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Quite the contrast from the fic I posted like two days ago, This is literal angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9395639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidden_Joy/pseuds/Hidden_Joy
Summary: Lukas learns from a young age that sometimes love can hurt. In a literal and metaphorical sense. What he doesn't learn is how to fix it when he sees the look of terror cross the face of someone he loves. Because of him. Because he hurt them one too many times. He's tried so hard not to be like his father, yet here it is. He's become him.OrPhilip gets afraid when Lukas gets too close and too angry and Lukas thinks he's turning into his father.





	

The first time Lukas learns that sometimes love hurts is when he's six years old.

His mother died only a few weeks ago, and he's still not sure if this is real or not. It just feels like a dream. His mother? Dead? He can't process the fact that he'll never hear her soft voice again, never feel her gentle touch, smell her floral perfume.

But, his father keeps telling him when he asks for her and Lukas is pretty sure that was his mother's body in the casket that they lowered into the ground.

He's laying in bed, trying to understand it. Trying to force himself to get it through his head. She's gone. She's gone and she's never coming back.

He thinks he's starting to believe it when he hears heavy footsteps on the stairs. They're heavier than his father's usually are, which is an accomplishment, so it makes him sit up and makes him furrow his eyebrows as his dad stumbles into his room.

Bo looks angry. Lukas isn't sure why. All his dad has been lately is sad, a resigned look in his eyes as if he had given up, lost everything. Which Lukas doesn't quite understand because isn't he suppose to mean the world to his father, too? He's still alive, so it's not like Bo is alone.

Bo stumbles further into the room, getting closer to Lukas. "You didn't put your plate in the sink!" his father snaps at him. Lukas recoils at the smell on his breath. It's disgusting, smells like that stuff his parents called an 'adult drink' whenever one of them had one and he asked if he could have a sip.

Lukas also recoils because his father sounds more than just angry. He sounds - what was the word? - furious. He'd learned that word only a few weeks ago in class. It's when someone is really, really mad, his teacher had told him.

But, Lukas doesn't understand. Why is his father furious about a plate? It was just a mistake, an accident.

"I'm sorry, Daddy, it won't happen again," Lukas tells him, frowning.

Bo lets out a rubbling sort of laugh, the kind Lukas knows, even at his age, isn't genuine. "That's what you always say and yet here we are! You're so stupid, why can't you do anything right?" Bo asks him, voice still full of rage.

Lukas feels like crying. His father thought he was stupid? That he couldn't do anything right?

"I'm sorry," Lukas squeaks again, because he doesn't know what else to say, how to stop the fire that seems to have lit itself in his father's eyes.

"Damn right you are," Bo practically growls.

Lukas doesn't expect it. He knew hands could be mean. Hands could shove and slap and hurt. But his father's hands, rough as they were, had never hurt him. Until now. Until this moment.

Bo raises his hand and practically throws it across Lukas' face.

The six year old gasps, feeling hot tears spill down his cheeks.

"Now go put that plate away and then go to bed!" Bo snaps at him. Lukas lets out a shakey sob, but nods, not wanting his father to hurt him again. He stumbles out of his room, and when he returns, his father his gone.

Lukas curls up on his bed and cries himself to sleep that night. He doesn't understand how hands that can be so gentle could become so hurtful.

[][][][][][]

Lukas doesn't know what it's like to get so mad you have to use your hands to express it. That is, until he meets Philip.

The boy is infuriating. He gets on every one of Lukas' nerves. He's under his skin, invading his mind. And Lukas _hates_ it.

Hates the way his heart beats when Philip touches him, hates the way he wants to kiss Philip, hates the fact that just his touch calms Lukas' racing mind. He hates him, he hates him, he hates him.

Except he doesn't, and maybe that's just the problem. Philip made Lukas like him so much that he's becoming that guy. The guy he's tried so hard not to be, the guy that this town, and his father, _hates_.

The guy he knows, somewhere in the darkest corners of his mind, where he's pushed it far, far away as not to be touched by him or anyone else, he is.

The first time he lets the aggression out is when Philip tries to kiss him for the first time.

He pushes him back by the face, hearing the light slapping noise as his hand makes contact with his face. "The hell are you doing?" he snaps.

Philip holds his chin, where Lukas' hand had just pushed. "No-nothing," Philip stutters, shaking his head.

Lukas regrets it. He knows he shouldn't have done it, knows it deep inside him. So he tries to make up for it. Tries to kiss it away, erase what he'd done.

But, the worst part? That's the least of his crimes.

[][][][][][]

The second time is another hit to the face. But, this time it's worse. This time it's a hard punch in a crowded hallway when everyone's taunting him.

But, this time Philip also hits back. He lowers himself and rams into Lukas like an angry bull, pushes him against the lockers.

Lukas is shocked, but he reacts on instinct and knocks them both down. He's on top of Philip and the position is reminiscent of the day before, when his body was on Philip's, touching him, craving him.

But, this is different. This is him wailing on Philip, letting every frustration and fear out in his hits, and Philip seems to be doing the same.

He only stops when he's dragged off of Philip and away. He feels the realization of what just happened settle in slowly and then he's regretting again.

That's twice in two days he's hurt Philip. He doesn't get it. He's never used his hands to hurt. But, now that he has someone he doesn't want to hurt, that's all he can seem to do.

[][][][][][]

The third time, the way his agression comes out is a push, and Lukas doesn't know if it's better or worse than when he hit Philip.

Philip is here and can't be, he has to go. What if his dad comes? What if he sees? What if he knows?

"You have to leave," Lukas states simply, looking at Philip as his breath heaves as if he's run a mile, even though all he's done is lie to Helen.

Philip comes closer, begging Lukas with his eyes not to push him away again, not to make him leave. The killer is still out there, he saw Philip, he's after him.

But Lukas can't. His dad could be out any second. Any one could see Philip. Philip could have just led the killer straight to Lukas.

"Now! Leave!" Lukas shouts, shoving Philip back. And it's worse than hitting him, Lukas decides. Because he sees the look on Philip's face, the look of pain and terror and he can't do anything about it. He can't pull Philip close, can't apologize, because Philip has to leave,  _now._

Philip turns, walking from him and Lukas has to do something, has to show Philip he cares because even though he can't be near him now, he can't lose him.

"And Philip, I-I fixed your flat tire," he calls after him. He sees Philip glance back at him before grabbing his bike and leaving. Lukas can't help the relief he feels when Philip's shape disappears in the distance.

[][][][][][]

Philip is threatening to tell. He's yelling and shouting and Lukas pushes him back, hearing the knocking sound of Philip's head hitting the wall. He hates that, the sound.

He thinks maybe he shouldn't have been rough. No, he _knows_ he shouldn't have been rough. His grip on Philip's shoulder and neck loosens and his expression softens as he looks at the boy, letting the hardness fall away to the desperation and fear he feels.

He raises his hand to Philip's cheek, his touch gentle, trying to make up for the push. He closes his eyes and presses their lips together. He feels Philip's tense muscles relax under his hands as he kisses back.

He pulls back, looking into Philip's eyes, letting him see his desperation. "Please, Philip. Don't-don't tell," he begs. Philip doesn't answer, but he can see in the way Philip looks at him that he won't tell.

So, he lets his eyes fall closed and kisses Philip again. He hopes the sound of their lips moving together can drown out the sound of Philip's head hitting the wall that starts repeating in his head.

[][][][][][]

Lukas feels like he's drowning in everything. All the blood on his hands, everything he's done wrong, his feelings for Philip, the guilt that weighs him down when he thinks about how he's hurt the other boy.

He needs relief. Has to get out of his head. "Did your mom have any pills?" Lukas asks once the gun is hidden well beneath the rocks.

"She did," Philip answers, barely looking at him.

"Well, where are they? I need them," Lukas tells him. Finally, _finally_ , he can escape, he thinks.

"I threw then out," Philip tells him, facing him.

"You _what_?" Lukas shouts, anger bubbling in his veins.

"They're dangerous, I'm not giving them to you," Philip tries to explain, but Lukas isn't having it. Does Philip want him to suffer? Want his thoughts to eat him alive, slowly killing him? Want him to feel like the only escape is death itself?

"You threw them out!" Lukas shouts and shoves him back. He doesn't watch Philip fall, doesn't watch his face crumble. He runs. He needs to get out, stop his thoughts. He needs it to end.

[][][][][][]

The last time Lukas hurts him, it's in front of people again, and he hates himself for it. He sees Philip, broken and wasted and begging to talk to him. He hates himself because he caused this pain, he broke Philip.

But, he can't stop himself when he feels eyes on him as Philip stumbles toward him, saying his name like a prayer. In front of everyone. He shoves him back, hardening his features.

"Get out of here," he practically growls. He vaguely hears Philip talking to him, calling him baby. He wants so badly to pull Philip out of here, take him home, tell him how sorry he is and kiss away every mistake he's made.

That's not what he does, though. He goes inside with Rose.

He has his chance in the morning, when he drives a half-conscious Philip from Rose's house to Gabe's farm and leaves him on the front porch.

He knows Philip doesn't hear him, knows he won't remember it. But, he says it anyway, because the guilt is destroying him almost as much as the memory of the murders were. "I'm sorry, Philip, I didn't mean any of it," he promises. And then he runs, drives himself home before either Gabe or Helen can catch him and ask questions.

[][][][][][]

When Lukas steps into his house, his sense of calm that had been instilled in him since he pulled Philip against him by The Tree instantly disappears.

He knows he's in for it. He's just possibly ruined his future in motocross, for the boy his father believes to be a bad influence, none the less.

But, Lukas can't bring himself to be apologetic. Because he loves Philip and he won't let him go. He's ready to be the boy Philip deserves. He wants to be, needs to be.

And the boy Philip deserves isn't going to apologize for giving Helen that gun and keeping Philip in Tivoli. Because the boy Philip deserves can't live without him and he's not sorry for that.

But, still, Lukas can't help the desire to apologize when his father gets close, breath stinking the same way it did when he was six. Except Lukas knows what it is now, knows the disgusting smell of alcohol on his father's breath far easier than he should.

He ducks his head, flinching backward and bracing himself to be hit. For his father to yell at him like he always does, tell him how stupid he is for doing that.

Except... he doesn't. He hears the clatter as his father throws the empty glass behind him and Lukas flinches again, like a frightened child.

Bo pushes past him and Lukas lets out a sigh that's half relief and half sadness. He doesn't move until a few seconds later when the microwave goes off.

He throws away his dinner because he's not so hungry anymore. Then, he steps forward, grabbing the whiskey bottle and putting it away, an action that's all too familiar. 

[][][][][][]

Lukas hasn't gotten angry at Philip since that night at the party. Hasn't been irritated enough to start an argument. He's spent the past few months trying to make up for everything, and he sees the way Philip smiles at him now, without pain hidden in his eyes and he knows he's doing good.

But, it throws him off when Philip kisses him in front of his father.

He knows his dad promised he loved him, but that hasn't stopped the looks his dad gives him when he mentions Philip.

Now, Lukas would never say he's ashamed of Philip, not anymore. But, when Philip's lips touch his, with Bo standing a few feet away, Lukas stumbles back, his brain goes haywire with every comment his father ever made about gay people, and every time his father ever hit him for being different or doing something wrong.

He feels anger bubble in him as he brushes the kiss off and leads Philip up to his room.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he snaps as soon as the door is shut and they're alone.

"What do you mean?" Philip asks, clearly surprised at Lukas' raised voice and clear anger.

"Why the hell did you kiss me in front of my dad?" he clarifies, glaring hard at his boyfriend.

Philip stares at him a moment. "I thought you said he was okay with you," he says, voice strangely quiet.

"Letting something happen and being okay with it are two different things, Philip!" Lukas snaps, stepping closer.

Then Lukas' whole world stops.

He sees it. The flicker of fear in Philip's eyes, the slight step back. He knows that look, he's given that look a hundred times. That's the look you wear when you're afraid someone you love is about to hurt you.

Lukas stumbles back, eyes widening, a gasp escaping his lips. No, no, this can't be real. He couldn't have made that look cross Philip's face. He couldn't. No, no, no, _no, he can't be like him_.

"Lukas?" Philip asks, eyes trained on his boyfriend as he stumbles back onto the bed. "Lukas, what just happened?" he asks, stepping toward him.

Lukas shakes his head, unable to breathe. How could he have let this happen? How could he have let himself hurt Philip so much that Philip became _afraid_ of his anger? He was just like his father.

"No, no, no," Lukas gasped, feeling tears start to roll down his cheeks.

"Lukas, please. Talk to me," Philip is saying. He's beside him now, gripping his arm.

" _You're afraid of me,"_  Lukas breathes in reply, starting to shake as a sob escapes his lips. "I'm just like him. Philip, I'm sorry, I'm _so sorry_ ," he sobs, shaking his head.

Philip's arms are around him in an instant and at first, Lukas resists because he doesn't deserve Philip's comfort, doesn't deserve his love.

"Lukas, you're nothing like him, baby, calm down, it's okay. You're okay," Philip whispers and Lukas relaxes against him because how can he not? When Philip says things like that, that make him want to believe he's worthy of Philip and everything he is.

Lukas is still shaking and all he can think about is the sound of his hands hitting Philip's face and the sound of Philip's head thunking against the wall.

"I'm sorry," he whispers through another sob.

"I know, Lukas, I know. I forgive you, I love you. You're nothing like your dad," Philip soothes, rocking them ever so slightly.

Lukas slowly starts to calm down and he takes deep breaths, listening as Philip mumbles more reassurances against his ear.

Lukas lifts his head slowly when he's stopped shaking and his tears are dried. "You're afraid of me," he whispers to Philip, gripping his arms.

"I'm not," Philip promises. "I got stuck in my head for a second. I know you've hurt me before, Lukas, but I know you never will now. Okay? Do want to hurt me again?"

"No!" Lukas answers, shaking his head vigorously, lifting his hands and touching them gently to Philip's cheeks.

"Then there you go. That's the difference between you and him, Lukas. You made mistakes, but you made up for them and you'll never do them again," Philip tells him.

"I won't, I swear I won't. I love you so much, Philip," Lukas promises him.

A small smile appears on Philip's lips. "I know. I love you, too, okay?"

Lukas nods slowly. "Okay," he whispers.

Then Philip kisses him and for once he feels like this actually works. Kissing Philip washes away his fears, the sounds in his head of him hurting Philip, his father hitting him, and any thought he had about turning into him.

Lukas knows they aren't gone forever. But, for now, they are. And maybe that's enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in less than three hours and I haven't done that in so long. I'm really proud of this and I love it a lot and I hope you guys do, too.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at jonnorlandfill.
> 
> I don't own Eyewitness or anything else you may recognize.
> 
> -HJ


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